and then there’s me.

I started perusing instagram a lot more lately and I’ve discovered another mom world. I didn’t realize there were so many worlds, but I found another one. It’s the moms of instagram, often bloggers like myself. I find myself captivated by them and their instagrams and their beautiful families. Their photos are pristine and their babies have these big beautiful smiles as these moms hold them… while looking so… pretty. They showcase some wonderful new meal they made for their family or how they renovated their nursery (chevron, chevron everywhere). They model the latest fashions. By them I mean both mom and baby. And then there’s me.

I had that high school moment where you see the prettiest girls walk down the hall effortlessly looking so stunning, and then look back into your locker mirror and turn your face side to side wondering, “Could I make myself prettier? Could I be in their world?”.

Today was a snow day. I thought to myself, “I could probably create a WONDERFUL, very pretty instagram moment! I can take a picture of my hongsong in his panda bear outfit laughing outside in the snowflakes while the dogs frolic and kick white powder into the air. How lovely! I could have an awesome instagram moment!”

But I didn’t do that. Instead I waited for my buddy to nap then I spent that “break” cleaning all his teething toys and play area. When he did wake up, I chased him around to eat SOMETHING. He then sneezed oatmeal all over me and then crawled away from me to play with his fisher price toy. And then there’s me.

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i think my foot looks nice here

I’ve worn the same leggings for I don’t know how long now and my hair is in a top bun. All. The. Time. I often wear a headband to try and hide the pokey hairs trying to shoot out of my scalp like grass on the first day of spring. My son has lint all over his hand-me-down onesie.  We get take out more often than not because my super patient husband knows that the idea of me trying to cook after working a full day and/or chasing my son around the living room just feels excruciating. And our nursery? It’s currently my work space but it’s also become this crazy storage area. There is no chevron up in here. And then there’s me.

I have some really awesome days.The days where I appreciate how supportive my job is and even more so, how supportive my husband is. The days where I do nothing but dance and sing with my son as the hours just pass by.  Some days that I literally start crying as I pray at night because I’m so thankful that I have the husband and child I’ve waited my whole life for. I then pat my little boy’s back as I fall asleep smiling over how sweet life is. And then there are some bad days. The days, like yesterday, where I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m disappointing everyone. The days I have to intentionally remember to track my immediate thoughts before the blaming in my head takes over. The days I feel so physically tired from trying to juggle work and family and me that I just bury my face into my hands and literally start crying as I pray because I’m so afraid. I then crawl over to my husband asking for help and have him pat my back (metaphorically) as he reminds me how sweet life is.  It’s not pretty, but it’s real.

For whatever this blog is evolving into, it’s a glimpse into me. The unfiltered journey of a woman trying to… I don’t know, I’m just trying to try.  This is my journey with my husband, my son, my family, my world, my self and in every step of that, my journey with my God. I promise to continue to try to be unfiltered and as vulnerable as my thin skin will allow that day. Because I believe more than the victories at the end, it’s the rocky journey that triumphs the hand of God the most. And I want you to see that hand in my life. It might not be that pretty, but I’m finding the beauty in it each day. Because that’s just me. 🙂

P.S. I  know my entries have been few and far between, but I will be updating weekly now, that’s the challenge to myself. It’d be rude to invite you into my journey and then only poke my head out once a month.

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