When I first became a mom, I was so crazy overwhelmed and not just by physical exhaustion but the emotional exhaustion of it all. I felt guilty about EVERYTHING (sleeping too much, sleeping too little, eating a package of ramen, not eating enough, showers, non-existent showers...) and so I would not allow myself to even … Continue reading what I miss most about not being a parent
I turn 34 in two and a half weeks. I love my birthday. I love it because it gives me an excuse to say "hey come out and see me!". Maybe it's because of that that I'm not excited this year due to the limitations of a dependent newborn consuming all my hours. But I … Continue reading waiting
Last night I went into my son's room and while he was sleeping, I curled him up in my arms and just started crying. Why? Because he turned 3 last week. We spent the full weekend celebrating; different family members visited with gifts and cake and I threw him a little party at his school. … Continue reading no longer grieving 3
I was journaling the other night about the various worship songs that sing about stepping out into the waters - the consistent symbol of stepping out into the unknowing, to depths unseen where navigating forward requires trust, hope, allegiance, and bravery. The OT even referenced the Leviathan - legends and myths that overtime still exist … Continue reading Oh Captain, My Captain
This week I felt too tired. Too tired to sing, too tired to pray, too tired to move forward. About one year ago I felt I had hit a wall. I remember explicitly shouting to God when we were just one-on-one, "God, I've hit a wall!". The moment I said it, I had this feeling … Continue reading noise
There's something about the first encounter with the crisp autumn air that flings me back to memories in the prayer room, 9 years ago. It was walking through those cold winds while sipping one too many pumpkin lattes in that transformative season that I first learned how to grieve, mourn, and release. How I first … Continue reading autumn.
Dear mom, I sat there and I watched you. I watched you as you held your toddler in one arm, and your bag in the other. I watched as you smiled at those in the room and anyone who said hello to you and your child I watched as you put your toddler down, picked … Continue reading i saw you
I'm going to embrace genuine humility here and say it: I'm doing great. I say this not because I'm not tired and not because things are smooth and not because I've managed the best routine and structure and patterns and meals for my family. Because I haven't. I say this because I am doing it. … Continue reading i’m doing great
Luke was born at 8:44 pm. A few days after I came home from the hospital, a friend came over with the verse of Luke 8:44 written out for me. I don't like to over think or over spiritualize things, but this stuck with me. For over a year now, I've been praying, pondering, and … Continue reading Luke 8:44
I've taken an unplanned hiatus from my attempt towards consistent blogging. In March my little hongsong caught a virus that generously passed on to me. This continued for a few weeks of back and forth of virus passing among the baby, myself, and the hubs. It seemed that when we were all finally recovered we … Continue reading what am i doing wrong?